At this point I can surely affirm that my “life” so far has been a total rejection of life. I have lived in denial, in the struggle of rejecting to see the truth of what was going on in front of me and most importantly: through me. My real thinking process, my mind and my senses have been hypnotised to think of the stuff going on inside of me and outside of me as totally different and mostly opposed to what they actually are and mean.
My life has been a struggle to perceive life how I was taught it to perceive, in spite of what is actually there. I was looking inside and outside of me for everything this world has taught me I should see. And when I was not seeing those things I got disappointed, embarrassed, thought of myself as being small, stupid, unknowing, or even got to thinking myself as being demonic – this is how far the un-acordance between what I was sensing and what I was trained to sense went. BUT … what I’ve come to understand is life always, always, always continues to talk and sing to us the same song, no matter if we despise it. Life is always there, no matter if we reject it. Life looks at my rejection and thinks “oh, how cute is she”. This is how life views our play of rejection. And this is how I now perceive my rejection. I come to this point when even rejection is nice to have, even hate, even pain, anything! Anything is an awe to me at this point. Even my greatest fears and troubles.
And I now remember that I had brief moments like these ones all my life. I would walk on the street and all of the sudden feel to the core of my bones the perfection of everything, I would clearly be immersed in a knowing of the perfect entanglement of everything, even my deep sufferings, all of it. I had these moments 2-3 times in my life. I now understand what the truth behind moments like these is. And I now understand where this perfect entanglement resides.
Lots of people think of enlightenment or Nirvana as total bliss or total peace, or something like this. A state where you understand the whole of life and you are in perfect attunement with that. Well.. quite different actually. Bliss is actually quite painful, if it is the real one. Life is always in a state of tension. We absolutely despise absolute peace even if we swear this is all we want. Life is more related to a holy state of tension. The only difference is that in reality we honour this tension, we live it and suck it up, absorb it and understand its meaning. We use it, we bow to it – because it’s life. The only thing that makes this world so abominably painful is that people have tried to cage down this tension, to lock up this chaos, and most importantly: to PLAY PRETEND like they have tanned and controlled this chaos. Well.. good luck to any of the people who want to play their mind to the russian roulette this endeavour really is. Real life means ALL of life: including the tension, the chaos, the hate, the rage, the pain … everything! And real love is only the encompassing structure that helps all of these come to life.