My real body is always in a state o tension, of pain. This is why I can seldom be present in this reality. It’s because of the immense pain that is carried in many of the bodies I hold. This is why I always drift back and escape inside my mind. Inside my mind everything is presumably safe. I am safe in my clinginess to my fabulated stories. Inside my mind I can be king. In my body I am the slave. Of course my attention always drifts in the mind. My attention always chooses comfort as opposed to pain – and this is where I, the real I, come in. The driver of the horse and chariot. I, the real I, is the only one who can take the lantern of my attention and keep it in my body, feeling and acknowledging the pain. If I, the real me, is absent – meaning: If I, the real me, lets the attention in its default state and does not exercise the will, then my attention flows by default inside the sweet, comfortable life inside my head, and I get to see pretty stories that are never actually real. Inside my head I am always victorious, always knowing, always winning the game. Inside my body I am the looser, the unknowledgeable, the villain in the story. Of course that my attention – what a childish attention, btw – chooses only to see the winning team – like most football fans do 🙂
I, the real I, is the only one who – in spite of pain, in spite of mud, in spite of freezing cold and total oblivion – can decide to look that panther in the eyes, and move zero inches from that spot of total observance and acceptance of what is actually there. I, the real I, is the only one who can stir the attention, to make it look where things need to be seen rather than where it’s the most comfortable to look.
Up to this day and continuing, I have been living an entire “life” inside a fabricated story. The story inside my head, while abruptly stupid and painful in its own right, has been considered a safe alternative to the real pain I am really experiencing with my bodies in many of the levels I am in. Although I was looking I was not seeing. Although I was listening I was not hearing. Because I was seeing and hearing, and smelling and tasting … what this world has taught me I am seeing and hearing, rather than what is actually there. I have been living inside a reality bubble constructed out of notions, out of second hand imposed meanings onto the real things around me.
The real reality is not something that is somewhere, sometime, some level up or down! The real reality is the one that is right here, right now, but invisible due to the veil of me thinking I am seeing something else than what I am actually seeing. It is a false reality imposed over a real one – right here, right now! It is like a veil, a smoke, a cloud of false meaning, of false notions and concepts that is overlaid over the real meaning of the things around! And this is what my real body is so alien to at this moment. I have lived this entire “life” in a play pretend, in an illusion of the MEANINGS of the things around, that now I am almost terrified to be present, to see with naked eyes the real reality around me! Terrified is a little word compared to how I am actually feeling. This is the number one reason for why any real individual is 99% of the time living in his mind. It’s because truth is as painful as ##!@#, when you really start to see it.
Very important to keep in mind: the play and distortion has only been done on meanings! We have been told a different story of the things around, and we have been lured into believing that story rather than seeing the truth of what is really around us! The illusion is only done on meanings! The things around us are the same ones. Only the meanings have been altered! The insanity of this is that while looking at a basic object… I am seeing the concept of that object and not the object itself. The reality around me is actually very very different than what my mind thinks it sees, hear, touch, etc. (i give an interesting example in the audio below)
The real world is here before our eyes, before our ears, before our senses! Listening to the senses while dropping everything, absolutely any knowledge or concept, is the first step in seeing the real reality around.
I am completely unaware at this time if I have the slightest power to really live. Sleep is definitely more comfortable, even more so when my second neural network (the illusory one) is so accustomed to this state.
and last night, after a long while, I felt the drive to make the following recording :