Journal: Being what I am (Aug 4th, 2023)
Something irremediably changed within me as of yesterday.
A trip through Cheile Tisitei in Vrancea, Romania.
A courage to make the entire journey on my own, 14 km (there and back) through the wilderness.
Remembering and making recordings about the Soul of the World, the Book of Life and Spirit.
And how we can truly return back to Life by embodying Spirit into this physical body.
Something happened in this journey, I can’t yet understand it.
But something within me seems truly changed. This new perception opening up, co-existing still with the old one, but making itself more and more room within me. A new perception which seems more like an ancient one.
I felt truly hurt in the past by seeing how the videos, articles and information i was putting out got little response or attention from people.
I felt so much confusion, pain and hurt. I didn’t understood why.
I felt so much value in this info that was coming out of me, but little recognition from the outside world.
I doubted myself and this info, I doubted the validity of this info, I doubted my capacity to properly portray and lay out this info correctly.
I didn’t knew what was wrong. I still don’t.
As something in me knew that.. in a natural world.. when a thing is valuable.. everyone can see and recognise the value in it.
So because I would see little recognition from the outside world, I started doubting myself and the info coming out of me.
I felt stupid, I felt like a fool or some deranged individual.. for saying things that perhaps are deluded.
Things that no one seems to get or truly recognise, not even some of the beings that I considered to be somewhat advanced on this path.
I wondered why aren’t they responding, seeing or recognising this info?
When I would find something true in some writing of some author out-there, I could feel my entire body vibrate with the recognition.
I felt the immediate compulsion to write to that author, to let it know about the value that I find in its work.
To let it know about the truth and the value of its work.
I felt to do that out of an internal, child like, joy of encountering that true piece of information somewhere out-there, in the work of someone else.
Encountering that truth was like encountering long lost siblings, mothers or fathers, or brothers.
I felt such a love, such a joy… un-explainable. That I had to share it with that author.
Perhaps I’ve expected that whomever encounters my writings feels the same.
Feels the truth, the recognition, the validity and value in it.
And then mirrors back this recognition so I could know I am on the right path.
But little such mirroring happened.
There was some, occasionally, but I considered it little still.
So this little recognition of the value in this info made me severely question myself and doubt this info and its validity.
Now something in me might has just calmed down and settled on the fact that.. it is what it is.
This info pours out of me without even me wanting so.
There feels to be this force or intelligence, or something, within me.. that constantly, constantly.. almost permanently, 24/7, thinks about this stuff.
The nature of existence, life, the nature of being, why is this reality the way it is, who or what am I, what am I here to do, and all this stuff.
This is something that is happening within me, without me even wanting.
This is a force that exists.
And I’ve doubted this force, I’ve questioned it when little recognition came from the outside world.
And I think that doubting it made more harm than good.
I tried to package it in various way, changing my words, my behaviour even.
To try to cater it, perhaps, to make it more understandable, more easy perhaps to grasp or digest.
I tried to suppress it too, not writing nor publishing for long periods of time.
But now I feel there is little time left for me to distrust this force.
If I am wrong to trust it, if this info itself is wrong, then at some point I might know and correct my path.
But until the wrongness of it is revealed, I think I have nothing else remaining then to trust it.
What else do I have in this world, if not this inner force?
So here it is. Me truly embarking on this journey from this moment on.
I still feel fear to trust it, to fully give it my entire being, my entire trust.
But what else am I left to do on this Earth?
The entire human realm – as it currently is – seems more like a theatre, or a masquerade.
A collective delusion under which the majority of humanity plays like actors in a movie.
Whatever this inner force is, I know it stands agains this delusion.
And I know it sees reality in a completely different way than how most of humans see it.
So from now on I decide to trust in this.
Far too long I distrusted it.
Far too long I’ve questioned it and put it to doubt.
And this is not even a conscious decision, but more of a fact or evidence that sunk in me or surfaced in me, as of yesterday.
There is zero time left.
Whatever and wherever this road will take me, I am here for it.
I am here for whatever this is.
I am here for it all.
There is zero time left.
—
Some of the photos from Cheile Tisitei, Vrancea, Romania.
Made yesterday, Aug 3rd 2023.
Îți citesc cu interes articolele tale.Ceva din mine cunoaște sau re cunoaște veridicitatea acestor scrieri.Continua ,te rog! Îți mulțumesc, suflet frumos, trezitor de alte suflete!
Hey Mihaela, Wow. Aprecieri pentru suport!
I think your videos are wonderful! I’m not sure if there is a mass appeal to them, but there is nothing really illogical (nor deluded) about what you’re saying, it just requires a very perceptive mind with lots of understanding and awareness.
Its difficult to find others who are also sharing your path and direction, but you’re vision and perception is unique, let it be honored! The issue is as we isolate ourself (and especially with our high intelligence), we blame and criticize yourself ruthlessly to justify this pain of isolation. Embrace yourself since you can not be anyone else! Having your own outlet is so helpful, even if its not from other people! We can always find life supporting us even if other humans can not. Of course you can choose to allow comfort, while basic, from other people just to appreciate the beauty of the sheer array of understanding and all its forms it can take.
Much Love.
Hey Dilesh.
Your words and comments have been a constant support. Much appreciated!
Denisa