Thoughts 19.12.2019 : Living in pretend-ness
My real body is always in a state o tension, of pain. This is why I can seldom be present in this reality. It’s because of the immense pain that is carried in many of the bodies I hold. This is why I always drift back and escape inside my mind. Inside my mind everything is presumably safe. I am safe in my clinginess to my fabulated stories. Inside my mind I can be king. In my body I am the slave. Of course my attention always drifts in the mind. My attention always chooses comfort as opposed to pain – and this is where I, the real I, come in. The driver of the horse and chariot. I, the real I, is the only one who can take the lantern of my attention and keep it in my body, feeling and acknowledging the pain. If I, the real me, is absent – meaning: If I, the real me, lets the attention in its default state and does not exercise the will, then my attention flows by default inside the sweet, comfortable life inside my head, and I get to see pretty stories that are never actually real. Inside my head I am always victorious, always knowing, always winning the game. Inside my body I am the looser, the unknowledgeable, the villain in the story. Of course that my attention – what a childish attention, btw – chooses only to see the winning team – like most football fans do 🙂
I, the real I, is the only one who – in spite of pain, in spite of mud, in spite of freezing cold and total oblivion – can decide to look that panther in the eyes, and move zero inches from that spot of total observance and acceptance of what is actually there. I, the real I, is the only one who can stir the attention, to make it look where things need to be seen rather than where it’s the most comfortable to look.
Up to this day and continuing, I have been living an entire “life” inside a fabricated story. The story inside my head, while abruptly stupid and painful in its own right, has been considered a safe alternative to the real pain I am really experiencing with my bodies in many of the levels I am in. Although I was looking I was not seeing. Although I was listening I was not hearing. Because I was seeing and hearing, and smelling and tasting … what this world has taught me I am seeing and hearing, rather than what is actually there. I have been living inside a reality bubble constructed out of notions, out of second hand imposed meanings onto the real things around me.
The real reality is not something that is somewhere, sometime, some level up or down! The real reality is the one that is right here, right now, but invisible due to the veil of me thinking I am seeing something else than what I am actually seeing. It is a false reality imposed over a real one – right here, right now! It is like a veil, a smoke, a cloud of false meaning, of false notions and concepts that is overlaid over the real meaning of the things around! And this is what my real body is so alien to at this moment. I have lived this entire “life” in a play pretend, in an illusion of the MEANINGS of the things around, that now I am almost terrified to be present, to see with naked eyes the real reality around me! Terrified is a little word compared to how I am actually feeling. This is the number one reason for why any real individual is 99% of the time living in his mind. It’s because truth is as painful as ##!@#, when you really start to see it.
Very important to keep in mind: the play and distortion has only been done on meanings! We have been told a different story of the things around, and we have been lured into believing that story rather than seeing the truth of what is really around us! The illusion is only done on meanings! The things around us are the same ones. Only the meanings have been altered! The insanity of this is that while looking at a basic object… I am seeing the concept of that object and not the object itself. The reality around me is actually very very different than what my mind thinks it sees, hear, touch, etc. (i give an interesting example in the audio below)
The real world is here before our eyes, before our ears, before our senses! Listening to the senses while dropping everything, absolutely any knowledge or concept, is the first step in seeing the real reality around.
I am completely unaware at this time if I have the slightest power to really live. Sleep is definitely more comfortable, even more so when my second neural network (the illusory one) is so accustomed to this state.
and last night, after a long while, I felt the drive to make the following recording :
“What is darkness but lurking sun? What is wall but enslaved stone? What is glass but tortured sand? What is hate but jilted love?”
Have you thought the things you see that are scary, like the house not having pleasant emotions, are scary because the way we humans treat them? Heal your house and it will feel better. Send it love. Or another idea: have you thought what you see in the house or on other forms, like animals, plants etc. is a reflection of you?
You said gods experience pain. Do you know why the real you experiences pain? Did you choose that? Try to remember why you chose to experience pain. It is ok to experience something else here while you experience pain in the real world, but try to understand what is the purpose of that pain. Is it really your choice? Is it a contract you have with another real being? What is the contract about? Wake up to the contract, bring it in front of you. Is the contract the way in to some place to do a certain action? Do you want to change something from inside where you entered with the help of that contract? If this is the case, wake up, do what you are there to do, and make the contract void!
Hmm. Now I feel I am talking 🙂 This is how I love to talk actually. This kind of plain inquisitory, blank on white reason and logic, and questions.
If I would have to answer for myself, specifically – which might be true in my individual case only, and for other beings it might be different – I actually managed to remember that I came here out of my pure will. And from what I remember from that level, we all did. It feels to me similar to an impossibility of life to ever experience something outside of my will. Due to technical reasons. Due to what experience really is and how perception works – but I keep away from entering in details now.
See the thing is that.. outside of creation I mostly view myself as a one strand being. A sort of one single beam of pulsatory light, which is not light in the sense we understand it here with the mind – but I can’t find any other good word at this moment. I could call it radiation, but again.. that would fail to describe it for real.
This pulsatory, continuous substance, once inserted in creation it got split in NUMEROUS strains of itself. The big bang! 🙂 Literally.
Like light going through a prism .. and becoming split in INFINITE parts of itself (the photons). So.. while inside creation I have almost INFINITE me’s. Infinite versions of me, experiencing all kind of realities and scenarios.
This specific movie I am currently viewing, this “human on earth” one – it appears to me only as ONE movie from a plethora of movies existing inside of this main creation.
So, inside this main creation, I might see levels of me where I decided to board up freely to this human experience. I might see other levels where I was forced to. I might see levels where I lost dear ones and I came here to resque them. I might see levels where I was employed to come here and assist some beings. I might see levels where I made definite contracts with agencies from those levels, to do some job in here. Other levels where my real body is asleep on a table, and many levels where they were doing all kind of surgery and opperations on my body, trying to extract different life essences out of it – while my mind was here. Other levels where I took a drug to get to this experience.
There are levels where it appears to me I see all this human experience and already know almost all the scenarios and everything I could ever experience here.
There are levels where I see myself as a scientist and came here with specific purposes. There are levels of me from where it seems I boarded to this experience to code it or re-program it from inside out. I might see levels where I came here with specific contracts, and levels where I came here to dissolve existing contracts. And .. so MANY other levels.
This is why, it feels a bit tricky to be able to truly depict to someone the amplitude of my (and our) existence. They’ve called it multiverse.. still, this seems to me to be such a small description 🙂
And now imagine.. someone starts remembering all of this, within the framework of a human mind 🙂
So this is why.. I see that truth can literally turn one insane if one doesn’t have the proper training for it. This is why I might see the utility in taking truth in small bites.. and slowly working with ourselves and remembering ourselves back to life, each in our own pace.
And although for our human mind the complexity and vastness of this whole experience might seem overwhelming, in reality from what I can see, it all seems like a piece of cake. So if I see this correctly, we all have the capacity to deal with it. We just need to find and follow our own rythm. Follow the voice within, the soul, the heart, the higher self – whatever one wants to call it.
And btw.. what I was seeing when I wrote this article and many others in the past, has already changed a bit for me. I might see a bigger picture now. I still feel the pain I was talking about .. it’s just that I might be able to understand it from a much broader perspective, and I feel almost mind blown at times 🙂