Journal, May 18, 2022: The journey of I am

Inside of me there are so many beings wanting to live my life through me.
There are the beings of all my ancestors, going back through the linage. There are the beings of all their ancestors as well. And ultimately: the whole of humanity resides within me. And even more: the whole of nature and the cosmos.
All their thoughts, preferences, archetypes, ideas, visions, desires, emotions – all of them circle back and forth within me, like substances in a glass bowl. All of these beings want a saying at life. All of them want to express themselves, live themselves, through me and my awareness.
Much of what makes up my human body and my soul is created by the mixture of these beings. By their substances.
And all of them circle back and forth, up and down, coming from the depths within my soul to the surface of my body, wanting to express themselves, live themselves, talk, act and be.
And me, my awareness, much of the time I feel like a spectator of their common show.
A prisoner within my own life, living a life that is not even mine.
I look at my daily actions, from the smallest one like picking up a spoon and mixing the cocoa with honey in a cup, and I observe how much these beings are at the front of my body, directing my mind and my actions, without me being consciously aware of. They mostly come through me and eat what they feel like, do what they feel like, think what they feel like. And their thoughts and feelings, desires and emotions, preferences and visions, most of the time – if not all the time so far – have been what I considered my own thoughts, emotions, preferences, visions, ideas, etc.
And me.. the real me, the “sleeping beauty” unconsciously living all of this – what is it?
Do I even have a thing called my individual self?
Am I really a personality and a being at all?
Or my personality and my being is just a unique mixture of all these other personalities and beings existing within me?
Do I have something that I can call my self?
Or am I just an observer, a spectator of this show going on through my own senses, my body and my mind?
My conclusion so far: yes. I do have a self. Yet this self feels so foreign and alien compared to anything that exists currently in this world.
My true self feels like a foreign entity to this entire cosmos.
And my true self, similar to a fertile soil, is the ground from which this entire cosmos has the power to sprout and emerge.
Hence.. I am the soil in which the universe grows.
The entire universe creates itself through me, through my own substance and awareness.
Yet me, can I really say I am this flower or this tree, this gazelle or this bee?
Hardly so.
I am the dreamer, the asleep entity that through its own sleep the cosmos itself can exists.
So how to go about my daily life, feeling and knowing myself like this?
How to take part in the dreams of this cosmos, knowing my self to be its most intimate lover?
The fecundating sperm, the substance igniting all dreams, giving them power to rise, acquire substance and meaning?
So far all what I was able to do is to silent my identification with any of these forms. To understand that Denisa is a mixture of the entire cosmos, and to stop thinking of her as something different then the cosmos itself. A dream, a character in the dream.
Yet with this detachment came the space and freedom to truly see her, see myself.
With the detachment of knowing my true nature, now I can finally take interest in the dream.
And probably now is when the real journey starts.
The journey of silencing these endless voices within me, these endless preferences of all these separated beings, and to find out what exactly remains. Who am I actually? Embark on the journey of knowing my true self inside the dream itself. I can feel it’s there. Under all this storm, these enormous waves colliding perpetually on the surface of this ocean, I can feel that deep within the ocean there is the stillness of my true self. That’s where I find it. That’s where it is.
I need to dive deep within the silence, deep within the stillness, to recover what was always mine.
And perhaps then like a dragon coming forth from the depths of the ocean, I can finally put together the entirety of it.

2 Responses

  1. Wow. Everything about this is resonating. I believe in this as well. What blew me away was the last part… I recently had a vision of a sleeping dragon, deep down on the ocean floor. Steam flowed out of his nostrils with every breath, because despite the fact that he appeared like cold stone, the fire within him was still very much alive.

  2. Hey,
    I think your vision is more accurate than you might be aware of. This sleeping dragon is currently awakening, and the events in the (theatre) physical world.. are here to also show it.
    Stay tune to the youtube channel, there is going to be a video on this subject soon.
    Denisa

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