Felt to write a short update.
(This article contains a bit of journaling at first)
In the last 3-4 months a situation happened where I felt extreme anger in relation with my dad.
He cut down some trees from the country house while being drunk.
My mind felt almost paralysed when I arrived one evening at the country house and saw a large patch of plum trees cut down.
Many painful or traumatic selves surfaced for me.
I felt such an extreme powerful anger, almost possessing me.
Screaming from inside of me to kick dad out.
I had to use an intense power and will to resist this force,
had to work with the layers of myself for days and weeks,
while this force felt like a tornado ripping my cells from inside out.
I felt hate and anger at alcohol, I felt extremely betrayed by dad.
He knew, in my opinion, how I felt about nature, the trees, etc.
Plus they were fully grown plum trees with plums on them.
“Why did he cut them” – was the question hunting in my mind.
And I realised how much need I have of control.
And I started honouring that.
My need for dominance and control,
for having a space of my own where I can decide
what happens and things outside of my will and decision
And at first this untended need for control,
this natural need for dominance, that I tried to suppress
almost all my adult life, started pouring from me excessively
like a monster. My mind became almost fogged by anger,
by the anger of suppressing, of constantly lowering my voice,
trying to keep the peace with the family, and ultimately
as I discovered: the fear that if I speak my truth they will abandon me.
And finally last evening I managed to say the words out loud,
to say to my father that at the country house is where I take the decisions and I “dominate”.
And to my rest I saw him genuinely admitting this is true and right.
He said: “here you are right”.
Then I started talking to him about alcohol and told him he needs
to think for himself if he wants to go on this path with the alcohol as he is approaching
his elderly years (he is over 60) and that this is a drug that takes
his years away. He then admitted he is drinking to numb the pain he feels, and he started crying.
I said I know.
And went on to say all of us living on this earth are feeling this pain.
I said to him: “Living on earth is a painful experience, yet many of us are just numbing this pain away”.
And I referenced how my brother is smoking hash, my syster is drinking,
and told him I mainly am the only one in the family that doesn’t drug this pain away.
And he again said “here you are right”.
And this morning, now, while in bed thinking of what I said last night to dad,
I understood that much of the challenge of dealing with the pain
of this reality came also from almost everybody else missing from it.
Many people I know, myself included in the past, were either
numbed by birth or numbed by choice, many of us were just living in our
own fantasy worlds, escaping this reality in each possible way.
And I was seeing how by the fact that many of us were in their own
bubbles it made it unspeakably challenging for anyone
who chose to come back to this reality.
This is why the beings who were “waking up” to this reality (the real version of earth), were feeling almost trashed by a train at first.
It was the immense pain this real reality held that hit one full on when one dared to lift its head even slightly above the general blanket of sleep.
And this is why many of us chose to return back to the sleep.
The pain that stroke was just too immense, too profound,
and also: there was little information about it or on how to deal with it.
Rarely anyone in the known history has been speaking clearly about this pain.
The majority of religious or spiritual teachers would usually jump from this dream layer to the higher non-dualistic dream layers above,
skipping to mention or deal with the real layer of this reality.
The information about the real reality has been kept mainly occult across history.
It has mainly been revealed through secret societies, groups of initiates, or guarded groups across history.
Thus there are little guides that talk about the real reality or offer instructions on how to deal with the pain associated with it.
Many of the instructions offered were just ways in which one could get back to sleep, numb the pain down through
cleverer methods or work to ascent to higher dimensional dreams where it’s easier to not feel the pain.
All of these methods try to – again – find ways to skip feeling and living this pain.
Which ultimately means: skip coming back to the real earth, the real reality, and thus: life.
Since I started my waking up 3 years ago, I mainly had to
learn this stuff by myself. I had to learn to surf this pain, to discover the tools, test them, trial and erroring,
And the main method I found that seems to properly heal this pain is the process I currently called: feeling the pain, feeling the feelings.
And I understood this morning how challenging it was for the beings who chose to go with this real reality.
How the lack of everybody else aded a tremendous effort.
How them being here as well would have completed the job much more faster, with less pain for each of us individually.
Currently I feel many more beings have stepped in this reality again.
I can feel their presence in the reality, and it almost makes me cry.
Thus, I currently feel a large bulk of this pain has been lived and is now consciously lived by more and more beings.
Thus: making it much more easy for more and more beings to wake up.
And as we feel this pain more and more, dissolving it more and more.. those inner suns are lifting on the sky.
Making things more visible for everybody else.
We are thus, right now, living the end of times.
The end of sleep times that is.
Those inner suns have already started shining a bit
on that common sky and now people are slowly waking up – collectively.
(btw: the physical sky is the symbol for our collective mind)