From depression to expression
Usual things my depression tries to convince me of:
Everything you do is meaningless
No one cares and no one needs it
Everyone has it better than you
Almost everyone knows more and does more
This idea is pointless
This project will not help anyone
This might get you rejected
You don’t do enough
You don’t try hard enough
No one needs your help
This will not succeed
No one sees you
No one notices you
Trying is pointless
My response to my depression: care to play with me? :))) 😀
Depression: Woooounk! [big surprised eyes]
Really now. I think depression can be one direct highway to stagnation. As a being who has experienced this bitter sweet drink on and off throughout its entire life, and more prominently in the last 8 years, I can definitely attest that depression is one dark swampy forest not so pretty to stroll through or go for a picnic in. While experiencing myself through the flavour of depression I usually observe how my motivation and purpose to living lowers to a minimum. I recount many times where even washing a dish would feel tearfully impossible. I could barely sum up the will to move my hand. I could only stand there and cry. Other times waking up and trying to be productive, while having almost no sense for why anything truly matters was one hell of an exercise. Slowly I’ve learned, similar to a blind man, just to do the things in almost total purpose darkness, and lower my objective of success to passing from a moment to another moment.
I think depression can come from many triggers. As a post response to traumatic events, as the result of feeling negated in one’s natural expression, as a being fighting itself or rejecting itself, or fearing to express freely as itself. Basically, from my observations, depression pretty much correlates to a being’s ability to walk or not on its natural path. As much as we accept ourselves and our natural traits and characteristics and learn to make use of them something within us feels like stepping on our purpose or course. As much as we fight ourselves, deny ourselves, reject our natural characteristics or experience trauma or rejection related to them – this is where the depression slope can slide our sled quite quickly.
For me depression feels like truly something quite heavy laying on my chest and on my whole body. Like an immense piece of somehow liquid and dense lead. Fogging my brain, my thinking, my capacity of healthy feeling emotions, and so on. The heaviness and denseness almost incapacitating my physical breathing. I many times experienced difficulties in feeling my lungs are properly filled with air, and as an adolescent I’ve experienced years when I would be on the verge of suffocation – apparently for no reason, as doctors couldn’t identify any cause.
Looking more into it, I’ve noticed that the main characteristic of depression is to convince me that whatever makes me the most me, whatever is more natural to me – in terms of skills, vision, characteristics, expression – is a pain and a malice for society or other people, and should be kept hidden, or else I would be outcasted or rejected. So trying to hide myself was almost the mantra of my life. And I would learn to employ different techniques. The major one was spacing out. Throughout my adolescence and throughout my 20’s I would almost not be here at all. I would be in a no land place inside myself. And here, in society, a well made version of me would be left to handle life. A sort of automaton, a sort of robotic personality, a false identity that helped me still maintain a life. Another method would be a sort of highly empathic mimetic ability. I would be able to know precisely what anybody feels and thinks and so I could instinctually offer them whatever they already wanted to see, and thus: me, the real me, would remain safely hidden and protected. Of course, all this hiding took some toll on me, and with time depression was getting more and more acute. And at some point I had to do an inner revolution. My own inner civil war :))
And it took an immense amount of courage to say: no more hiding. And it was like letting that entire old personality and individuality constructed in years of experience, to slowly die away. It felt terrifying and still feels so. And it feels like a continuous work in process.
Now, depression has its good side to it, as I’ve eventually accepted to learn. First of all, if learned to use correctly, it can shuttle one to the core of itself. If embraced, it can be a direct ticket to the depths of our unconscious, especially a boat ride through our personal Stinx – the mythological river of hell. If used correctly depression – in my opinion – becomes one of the wisest and most precious of teachers. As it lets one really go to the deepest, most hidden portions of its psyche: the dark fertile side – where actually our real power resides. Again: if used correctly. If rejected or denied or feared .. well, we all kind of know where that leads. People turning into ghosts, apathy, loss of meaning, suicide. That’s when one is put to feel its darkness and instead of accepting the knowledge, rejects and fights it in terror.
Now, what I’ve discovered, through my own journey – is that once the monsters in the closet start to be embraced and truly recognised for what they truly are, the gift depression brings is almost un-matchable to anything I’ve ever experienced. I can just say that the root of true creativity, true life joy and expression, understanding what real love really is, and the source of one’s truest fountain of life.. all of them, lie hidden there, in the apparent skeleton closet which depression kindly leads us to look in. But it’s a f$#%ing scary thing at first, and one needs to be willed enough to face itself.
Now, the process gets much smoother once we learn to play with the monsters :)) Once we learn to Play – and this in the end is, as I discovered, the secret that turns depression into true life giving expression 😀
Exactly. I learned I need to fight through it to rise to another Phoenix re birth. It is my perfect daemon. I truly am free right now. I am sorry my mother suffers for it. I promise eventually will get better. If yow want to play just say how and when. Thank you.
I couldn’t see the quantum reality so I did it the hard way: I became a plant and I looked at the Earth’s sun without fear. This made me see the rays coming fluidly to nurture me. And I entered the desert of self knowledge and I sent myself to the nuts house to stay away from my PC. And I became bound 3 times in ropes. And they tried to strip me of my free will. And when I was released the last time from bondage I burned the ropes of a poor bounded old woman. And because I produced them so much discomfort they released me home in my mother’s hands earlier than their stupid plan. The last time I did the looking at the sun I mastered the power of illusion and when some guy cursed “pocăiții” God made him drunk under my spell and he fell down because of the mirror trap. And I helped him rise and told him to believe in God to be healed. And after that I summoned Ra the sun God and I told him my guru is Jesus Christ. And I challenged him to show me a sign. And he covered back the sky with clouds and I could see a sign of light on the clouds. And it was variable, in a dance with me. And I asked what could it represent. It appeared as the dove of light and as a Phoenix. And I chose in the end to become the cross, the symbol of entering in the spiritual dimenssion. And into this world I traveled back through it.
Wow! And you did that only with your mind. Some people take “medicine plants” for years, and they don’t get to experience this.
So your mind has these gates open in it. Most of our minds have them blocked. I see this as an incredible opportunity from your side. Now you need to learn to master your power !
Think of Magneto in Xmen. Think of how at first he couldn’t manage its own power.
You need to train yourself. This is what we all learn to do here. I, personally, quite miss the lack of training, I have to discover and do it by myself.
I continue to listen and be here with what I know.
First thing I see: you need to create a structure and a plan. You see too much but the information is scattered. You need to start owning your ship, talk with your power characters.. tell them you are now present and taking command of the ship. You need to direct them now and they need to listen.
I don’t need to do much work. I need to let God lead me to do his work.
The structure is created for me by the angels. I need only to not be selfish anymore. And to learn to be myself. In the end I need to only be a man. I trust god’s plan. I always got helpers. I was only self loathing. And enough was enough. Infinite thanks for making me believe in myself.
My truth is I do not know myself and do not give myself enough time to catch on with the rhythms of inner, outer, middle, lower and higher songs. And I punish myself for this and cry like a baby or howl like a lycan-vamp at the moon and sun and wind and rain. Sometimes the strangeness is seen by the world and my higher self whispers the rhythm through the regular people’s screams that judge me unworthy to be called human. And in my lucid moments I pity them for letting themselves be manipulated by this persistent illusion they call reality. And I have a hidden staff ready to strike light into the manipulators of this world when my inner work is done. But it might not happen in my current life. But unfinished businesses always lead to rebirth. And I am aware things happen because of me, some of them might be so big that this brings me some heavy karma.
Wow. This is the kind of talk I like 🙂
I almost can’t help but notice the lucidity you have in this moment. Even greater than what I feel I can manage at this time.
“And in my lucid moments I pity them for letting themselves be manipulated by this persistent illusion they call reality.”
Work with me here. Can you make me remember the purpose?
There is a purpose to this game. They and us play it, as we all agreed to .. as we wanted to achieve something.
I have yet to remember the purpose, yet I know it is so.
“And I have a hidden staff ready to strike light into the manipulators of this world when my inner work is done. But it might not happen in my current life. But unfinished businesses always lead to rebirth. And I am aware things happen because of me, some of them might be so big that this brings me some heavy karma.”
Yep, I can attest I feel you have the power. Why would you want to rebirth? Can you remember? You already know that you rebirth only out of your own decision. You know you control this .. and you control even them. Why do you still need the sleep? Can you remember? You used the sleep to gain something beneficial. Can you remember the story?
schizophrenia paranoid. Last label. I remember I chose I’m ttruly paranoid because the unspeakable god perceives everything. Dragon ball in the battle of the universes, master roshi is needed in the team of the universe 7, the winner verse of the battle. His weakness perversity is watching and hoping to touch the females but his curse and gift is to never obtain this world’s way of marriage. Knowing he is needed in that great battle, he prepares by force,fully immunize himself to females by watching all kinds of female temptations and this way conquering his devil. .I went to vedea pavilionul 2. I chose this. My mother called the ambulance. Labeled mentally deranged. When I studied at Odobescu Liceu theoretic sectia mate-info am auzit un banc. Ceva de genul LA un spital de nebuni psihiatrul face vizita in salonul mare LA cei mai nebuni dintre pacienti. Ii gaseste agatati de cuiere. Ii intreaba de CE, ii raspund ca sunt frunze .de copaci. Vine medicul si la a doua visita, LA fel. LA a treia le spine can a venit toamna. Cad din cuier multi, dar cativa Raman. Voi nu at I auzit ca a venit toamna? Noi suntem conifere. I thought that was cool, to think differently. Desi pe vremea aceea nu stiam engleza Nici macar cat putinul pe care I’ll stiu acum. Nu cunosteam cuvantul cool. Mai degraba i-as fi zis o Idee beton. O Idee strasnica. La facultate la camin eram obsedat de jocul diablo 2. Intr-o noapte m-am trezit din somn si cu in ras nebunesc, am spus nebun,nebun,nebun. Mi s-a parut ca nu era ceva de bine, dar pe vremea AIA credeam can visele sunt niste chestii neimportante. Am ignorant si am adormit. Am Rama’s si pans azi obsedat de diablo 2. De abia astept sa il termin in sfarsit cu caracterul asasina. CEA mai grea dificultate, care ma plictiseste de moarte ca monstrii aunt foarte puternici si cu linia vietii mult mai lunga si cu regenerarea ei automata. Nu am rabdare nici sa farmez items powerful. Cans eram la spital am planuit cum sa joc primtre altele. Mama a auzit de la verisoara mea nepoata ei flory cu 7 zile inainte de paste a auzit recent de o vindecare finala cu electrosocuri. Fara pastile dupa AIA. https://youtu.be/kk6wLZN4X74f …, dar mi-e frica sa nu cumva sa nu fie mult prea nedureros comparative cu muzica asta si nu o sa resolve mai mimic.
Pana nu ma descurc pe mine mi-e imposibil sa te ajut pe tine cu adevarat, si nici pe altcineva. Sa avem putintica rabdare si incredere in sine si in unspeakable god. And you poor people better learn some Romanian.Traim in vremuri biblice. https://youtu.be/kk6wLZN4X74f ,,, https://youtu.be/IHW3FgjDlBhw
Pana nu ma descurc pe mine nu pot face mimic cu adevarat sa te ajut pe tine, pe mine, pe mama,bsau pe oricine altcineva. Strainii at face nine da invete limbs noastra nemuritoare. Listen YouTube to cargo ielele si ziua vrajitoarelor.
And I’m glad I’m stuck in the middle with you. Today I’m so playful, I’m like 3yo. I need to sleep because my mother wants me to be human. E batrana. E casa ei. Nu am Nici un drept sa trec pests vointa ei cand este luminata divin. https://youtu.be/WROJl6QtNMk
https://youtu.be/Hk_Kt6AvILs I will try to work with you but we need to agree on a set of rules for this to work. Why? Because I’m in my own world without a point of reference. If we can set together some rules and at least one pair of reference points we can begin our work. For an example, did you see the movie Lucy? Let me explain my point of view on this: you are Lucy I am the helping cop, but also I am Lucy and you are the helping cop.
The scene I was talking about. https://youtu.be/GnJbODMvr3I
Uite in exemplu de novelizare a unui joc RPG ce imi place mie si pe care nu am avut rabdare sa I’ll termin. Imi place sa ma identific cu caracterul principal, The nameless one, https://www.reddit.com/r/Torment/comments/5tb33y/novelization_of_planescape_torment/
Si Inca o of idee. Alegi tu un character din filmul zardoz si apoi imi aleg si eu unul. Ne punem de acord apoi daca he potrivim, si putem realege pana cadem de acord.
Inca o idee: vechiul testament biblia ortodoxa incepe ASA. LA inceput a Facut Dumnezeu cerul si pamantul. Si pamantul era netocmit si gol. Intuneric era deasupra adancului si duhul lui dumnezeu we purta deasupra apelor. Eu incerc sa penetrez dincolo de intuneric in adanc. Trebuie sa ii over lui-ei toata experienta mea pentru can el-ea sa imi poata oferi iluminarea necesara can eu sa devin ceea CE trebuie sa devin. Prin analogie insa, eu nu caut adancul acestui zeu mic CE a great lumea din oglinda in care ne aflam, ci adancul zeului unspeakable. I can’t do it alone. Daca faci asta inaintea mea, esti CEA mai tare. Daca eu FAC asta inaintea ta, eu sung del mai tare. Dar daca lucram impreuna, avem Sande mult mai bune sa reusim, decay daca o facem individual.
Si Inca o Idee. Eu m-am nascut cu ADHD si phihiatrii mi-au gresit diagnosticul si m-au innebunit de tot.
Si Inca o idee. Cand the uiti in oglinda obisnuita vezi partea dreapta a ta reflectata in dreapta si partea stanga a ta reflectata in stanga. Dar oglinda in care suntem blocati este Putin altfel. Creierul crept controleaza trupul stang si creietul stang controleaza trupul crept. Deci Adevarata Tu isi vede avatarul cu capul reflectat normal dar restul trupului reflectat in X. Avatarul tau isi vede pe Adevarata Tu bine sau e confuz si O vede reflectata cand normal, cand in X? The rog scrie-mi ceva. Orice. Sa stiu CE nu FAC bine cand incerc sa comunic cu time. Multumesc.
Hey. Am citit tot ce ai scris. Astept sa simt o idee/fir prin care comunicarile noastre sa se lege impreuna. Imi place sa vad acea lucire in cuvintele, exprimarile emanate de la tine. O stiu cand o vad.
Uite o intrebare: tu cum il vezi pe acest nameless god? Acest “the one existing god”? Ai reusit sa experimentezi ceva in mod direct? Eu din experienta mea.. until now, acest “the unspeakable” chiar imi pare asa: unspeakable, un-see-iable – ceva ce exista in afara perceptiei si experientei, si nu il vad neaparat ca pe o fiinta de sine statatoare, ci mai mult.. ca un soi de taram sau spatiu? Anyway, tu cum il vezi?
Incerc sa vedem daca putem face o catalogare a ceea ce vedem, ca sa stim din ce punct de vedere comunicam.
Also.. as prefera sa avem conversatii pe email, mi s-ar parea mai structurat. Cum ti se pare?
Imi este imposibil sa Il vad. CE imi pot imagina este separarea sa in doua prin crearea unei oglinzi. A pair of twins appears. One male, one female. Evident nu stiu daca inaintea separarii era ceva viu sau nu. Asta este mintea duala a omului. Gandeste in termeni binari. Daca reusesti as gandesti non dual, at putea fi ceva de genul o fiinta care exista in prezentul continuu. Prin separarea sa in doua are loc crearea lumii duale, impreuna cu crearea timpului.
Thanks my journey was amazing. but full of magick not white. two golden rules. neutrality and less speaking amd less thinkimg more breathing, more calm. act with confidence but only when in equilibrium. if we do not understsmd the magick we better not use it. The butterfly effect is the result of reckless use of magick. If sure about the outcome then yes use magick. But white magic is healing if the receiver accepts it. It is like love. You cannot force it. Anything a magician does, that violates the free will will result in more agitation for the magician and the world. A white magician does not make justice by using the magick, but prays to more evolved beings to help correct the injustice if it is possible. I am waiting for my tools. This instrument does not suite me.
Care mail? Eu astept pana am vreo 1-2-3 jucarii ca sa putem continua scrie. Cheaters all around us not caring about the right of being cloaked. A little bit of paranoia is helpful for harry potter.