Journal 27.12.2019 : no circuit for love

To accept good is far harder for me, than to accept pain and suffering. It might be due to the structure I am in, that is genetically engineered to absorb pain and to transmute it. Even though it’s painful my structure is built around knowing how to deal with it. I can decompose the pain into molecules, I can remake the atoms, or remake the chains into a specific order that is needed. I can do this. I would make any alchemist proud. But… what I apparently have a hard time, almost.. appears like a blank in my structure, is to accept good, pleasure, love, kindness, power, success. I really don’t know how to do this. And I really feel I either lack the ability to process this side of life, or something happened and is buried too deep inside the DNA of this structure, so deep that I must look for it like the needle in the hay sack.

When someone or something apparently is loving and kind towards me I either gulf in that and go over board with joy, actually rejecting to feel the love by expressing outwardly, or … ask myself what is the treachery? I really don’t see the ability to process good, love and kindness. I completely expel these off at the time being, even if you would hear me express how much I enjoy these.

I see part of the structure I am in, being somehow genetically engineered like this. It is genetically engineered to be reticent, almost unknowing of how to process love. And now I must wonder.. if I should intervene in this layout or not. I have the capability to alter genetics, this is what I am working with in the real reality. But.. do I need to do this? Or.. should I explore further with the character like it is, to discover its keys and secret skills, still un-discovered? If you transmute a material too quickly you risk loosing some of the knowledge it currently holds. So, hmm, still.. indecisions existing – meaning still not having the entire picture at hand. I still don’t remember the fullness of myself, so I am still prone to a lot of mistakes in actions. In my judgement I try to be as incisive as possible. But in actions I might still lumber and take the offset paths. Because.. I still need the helping wheels.

But I am triggered at this point of this finding that there is almost a black hole in the level of experiencing, truly accepting to feel love, success, power, etc. To feel means to really process these experiences. Completely different than to immediately reject them by expressing them in actions. How do I do this? It really seems this structure lacks the dedicated circuit for this 🙂